Today has turned out to be that day each month when the reality of our infertility crashes down on me in full force. Although the doctors have told us that we have essentially a 0.8% chance of getting pregnant each month (compared to about a 15% chance for typical couples where the woman is my age), I still pray and hope for a miracle. When it inevitably doesn't happen, I crash hard.
One of the things that really gets to me is, the last two times this has happened, it's been during a run where I had big goals. Last month, I had set out to do a 50k on Leon Creek. Today, I was planning to do 18 miles on the Powerlines. The 50k was doomed because my cramps became so bad, I could barely walk. Today, I honestly could have kept going past mile 12, despite the cramps, but I was too upset to continue. When I sat down and cried at mile 11.5, I knew for sure I was calling it a day. When this happens, I feel like the universe is telling me, "Not only are you a failure at getting pregnant; you're also a failure at running."
That feeling is a big part of why I've been trying to up my training lately. Partly, I'm doing it because I want to be prepared for our Grand Canyon run. But really, I just want to have something that I'm successful at again. I don't know if that's realistic, to get back to where I was before my burnout last year, but I want to try.
In the midst of our personal challenge, it's easy for me to lose sight of the bigger picture -- that Joe and I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm so thankful for our marriage, for our family, for our home, for our health. And if we are able to ever have children, I'm sure all our struggles will make us that much more grateful. One of the things I do on almost every run is think of 7 things I'm thankful for, and for each one I say a "Glory Be" prayer. It's never hard to come up with 7 things. At the same time, I can't deny that there's one thing I want with all my heart and cannot have. And that's what makes me sit down and cry in the middle of a run.
All I can do is promise myself I'll get back out there tomorrow and finish that Powerlines run, and just keep praying that I'll be better at trusting in God's will for us. Thanks for any prayers you can send our way!
Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be,
World without end,