Official Race Recap: 2019 Whataburger Challenge

WBC4: Greatness Redefined

The 4th Annual Whataburger Challenge is in the books, with history-making performances achieved!

With only 6 competitors this year, it was the first time that the WBC had more spectators than athletes, much like you’d see in any professional sporting event such as the Super Bowl, NBA finals, etc.  All but one of the six were return competitors; the one-and-done folks that couldn't face up to the extreme nature of the race have been winnowed away, and only the hardiest of the hardy, the elite of the elite, remain.


Some top storylines this year:

• Matt "The Assassin" Smith, fresh off his wins in the 2019 Rockhopper Beer Mile and the 2019 Ice Cream Challenge, had the first ever attempt at the Triple Crown lined up with a win here.

• Mike "The Ringer" Ruhlin, winner of the Taco Cabana Challenge, as well as WBC2 in 2017, was trying to become the first-ever 2-time WBC champ.

• Chris "Cactus Kid" Russell was purely driven by the desire to stop The Assassin from winning the Triple Crown, and would have to do so without his usual harem of followers.

Franz The Vegetarian and Matt The Assassin (PC: Jess Winnett)

At 9:07 sharp, the gun went off and the gorging began.  Chris was done with his #1 in under 3 minutes and took off, with Joe "Schmo" and The Assassin right behind him.  Those three were followed shortly after by Mike, then Franz, and finally Wimpy Rich.

Matt went directly into Assassin mode, screaming down DeZavala at 6-minute pace, leaving the other competitors so far back they could no longer see him after a couple miles.  This aggressive gamble, typically ill-advised, paid off for Matt as the second restaurant was not ready for the volume of WBC orders.  This second store always seems to be the wildcard!  While Schmo and Franz (Franz was competing in the first-ever Vegetarian division) arrived 3-5 minutes later, their orders were more like 10 minutes behind Matt's.  "Sweet" Chris was heard to say that Denny's service was faster, and that he hoped Matt choked on that third burger.  One must wonder if any collusion took place with store employees.

Matt finishes up #2 while everyone else waits

Matt departed the second store before anyone else even received their #2 combo!  Legitimate worry began to permeate the dining room.  Mike "The Ringer," despite arriving 5th, was the second to leave, albeit 16 minutes behind Matt.  A minute later, Schmo and Franz finished and took off, very slowly, after the leaders.  Blaine Adams, one of the spectators, seeing pools of sweat forming, foolishly offered Chris a towel from his vehicle - Chris sat on it while dining and once complete with his #2, gave it back to the regretful Blaine.

Chris at WB #2, with Mike Ruhlin in the background

The heat took its toll on Rich, and he was the race's first casualty, a DNF partway through his #2 combo; but true to his persevering nature, he still managed to run all the way to the third restaurant with his partially-eaten burger for the weigh-in.

The Assassin arrived light years ahead of the others, but the tide had turned.  As Franz and Schmo finally arrived, both having been reduced to a pathetic walk/jog during the run, they saw Matt's entire #3 combo just sitting there, untouched.  Brian "Banjo McNaturepants" Ricketts, winner of WBC1 like a million years ago, was texting fellow WBC1 finisher (but WBC 4 spectator) Tom "Bro-ling" Bowling to get updates - he asked how Matt was doing.  The response: "Scott Rabb-like," referring to Rabbers' (also a WBC4 spectator) WBC1 performance in which he could only stare at the tray of food.

Paralyzed.  A familiar scene at WB #3 (this was also the 3rd different shirt Matt wore?)

Mike The Ringer arrived a couple minutes after Schmo, and the race's fate was set.  At 2:07, the 4th-fastest time in WBC history, Mike became the competition's only 2-time champion!  Greatness.

 Victory!  Again.

The prize he chose for 1st?  A Rockhopper hat (take that TrailZen)!

Schmo, having previously decided not to even order the #3, changed his mind when he saw the opportunity for his best finish, place-wise.  He ate all the fries, slowly, and stopped with the 3/4 pounds of burger remaining, to grab 2nd place.

Then things got interesting.  Chris had made the same decision as Schmo, but saw the opportunity to complete his mission of taking down the Assassin, as Matt bowed out already.  Chris made it through half his fries to grab the final podium spot, just ahead of Matt, who took 4th.

The podium (L to R: Schmo, The Ringer, Cactus Kid)

Franz made it through the veggie version of the #1 and #2 meals - a disgusting pile of fried hashbrown sticks in a standard Whataburger bun - and definitely deserved first-place vegetarian honors, even though he was the only competitor in the division.

Franz selected Spicy Ketchup for his Veggie feat

Finally, the coveted DFL (and WB Ketchup bottle) went to WBC2 podium finisher Rich, who showed up for his 2nd WBC event, joining a short list of elite competitors to ever attempt this race more than once.

Rich with his #2 bag of deliciousness

A note for those considering a WBC5 entry: you can do this - be sure to train throughout the next year, so you may too have your name forever inscribed in Whataburger lore.

Final Results:

1st - Mike "The Ringer" Ruhlin - 2:07

2nd - Joe "Schmo" Schmal - 0.74 pounds remaining of #3

3rd - Chris "Cactus Kid" Russell - 1.13 pounds remaining of #3

4th - Matt "The Assassin" Smith - 1.16 pounds remaining of #3

DFL - "Wimpy" Rich Mihalik - 0.93 pounds remaining of #2

1st Vegetarian - Franz "The Vegetarian?" Konczak - DNF before #3

Historical (four-year) DNF rate: 78%

2019 Ice Cream Challenge Race Recap

Ice Cream Challenge 2019

Race Recap

The second annual Ice Cream Challenge dawned bleak and humid.  To the surprise of everyone, Matt “The Assassin” Smith was the first to arrive at the starting line.  He even brought his own spoon, for some reason.  The other competitors trickled in prior to the 10:00am race start . . . except for the Spleens, who maintain their own schedule. 

In a repeat from last year, “Sweet” Chris had his entire Chipwich in his mouth immediately after the starting gun.  Fellow competitors and spectators looked on in awe, having only taken a bite of their own Chipwiches, as Chris took off on his first lap.  Tom was next to leave, followed by Mike “The Ringer,” Matt and Jason, and the rest.

It quickly became obvious that Matt would dominate the race the entire way.  He was first to arrive at the start/finish, with a 10:40 loop one (1.7 miles).  Next in was Blaine “Grizzly” Adams, followed by “The” Steffan, who also made up time on the run.  As the competitors ate their second novelty treat, a Klondike Bar, Steffan made the first of many complaints that his “teef hurt.”

The third novelty treat was a Drumstick.  By this lap, it was already a race for second, as Matt arrived in 22:40, and took off for his third loop in less than 3 minutes, long before another competitor was even in sight.  Second place at this point was Blaine, followed by Joe, then Tom, with Chris hot on his heels.

The first to finish was Tanya, the smartest one of the group, having signed up for JV, which ended after three loops.  When asked why she didn’t upgrade to Varsity, she responded with a litany of reasons, each of which were very good, such as having just completed Miwok 100k two weeks ago.  However, she was miffed upon hearing that Jason (who also did Miwok) was dropping down to JV as well, calling his decision “ridiculous.”  Unfortunately, since he dropped mid-race, this earned him a DNF. 

Runners slowed down in the fourth and fifth loops – Snickers and Popsicle.  That is, except for Matt, who proclaimed, “The ice cream still tastes good” while eating his Snickers treat, and took off just as fast as ever.  While Chris’s running had slowed down (he was heard to complain that “This course has too much running”), he was just as fast in eating as he was at the start of the race.  Steffan captured the overwhelming feeling of the spectators with his one comment about Chris’s instantaneous consumption of his Snickers bar: “Oh shit!” 

Around this time, Matt came in for his final challenge: the lap 6 pint of ice cream.  He had the easy confidence of a winner, remarking, “This [pint] is going down easier than I thought.”  It was around this time, too, that he declared his decision to take on the Triple Crown: having won the beer mile and now the ice cream challenge, he was now throwing his hat into the Whataburger Challenge ring well in advance.  Taking off on his last loop, he would ultimately lap every competitor except for Tom, and finish with a new course record of 1:18:26, decimating last year’s CR of 1:37.  His victory speech: “This is the biggest day of my life.”

As runners ate their 5^th treat, a Popsicle, they were asked for their pint flavor request, as there was only one of each flavor.  Chris asked for mint chocolate chip and then took off on his 5^th lap.  Steffan was then asked for his flavor.  He also asked for mint chocolate chip.  When told that he’d have to beat Chris back in order to nab this flavor, Steffan got a determined look in his eye, and proceeded to outrun Chris by a good margin.  He had already started into his minty ice cream when Chris arrived and was told, to his chagrin, that mint was taken.  With an intensity driven by resentment, Chris plowed through his pint of chocolate chip and took off for his final lap before Steffan was halfway done with his.  On the way out, Chris muttered to Steffan, “That’s for eating my mint.”

Daniel handing Steffan his mint ice cream. The smile wouldn't last.

Despite arriving second after loop 5, Schmo left in fourth place after eating the pint, with Tom and Blaine severely outperforming his ice cream intake.  Tom would maintain his lead for 2^nd place, but Schmo passed Blaine during loop 6 to take 3^rd.  Blaine had the honor of “Biggest Bonk” for the race, slowing down to a crawl at the end.  He professed that “The sugar doesn’t bother me.  I’m just tired from running.”  As Tom finished, he noted, “5 minutes faster than last year.  That was my ‘A’ game.”  His wife Michele could be seen beaming with pride near the finish line.

                                

Poor Chris was having a bad day in general.  He complained about his legs hurting, being undertrained, not getting his preferred ice cream flavor.  And yet, he was happy with his finish, since he beat his arch nemesis Steffan.  His first words after crossing the finish line were, “Well, I beat Steffan.  That’s all that matters.”

Mike came in next, for 7^th place.  At one point during the race he lamented that he really has not been running lately.  Unfortunately, there was 10 miles of running, and Mike was not able to get redemption from last year’s 4th-place finish.  Bryan “Lacy’s Husband” finished despite a pounding headache, which he attributed to eating so much dairy, and earned the coveted DFL.

Bryan fought hard all day

Next in the eat-and-run series will be the 4^th annual Whataburger Challenge, on Labor Day.  Stay tuned to see whether Matt can pull off the unprecedented Triple Crown.

The podium

Results

Varsity

1^st place – Matt “The Assassin” Smith 1:18:26 (Course Record)

2^nd place – Tom “Bro-Ling” Bowling 1:32:01

3^rd place – Joe “Schmo” Schmal 1:33:23

4^th place – Blaine “Grizzly” Adams 1:34:36

5^th place – “Sweet” Chris Russell 1:44:22

6^th place – “The” Steffan Andersland 1:50:00

7^th place – Mike “The Ringer” Ruhlin 1:59:30

8^th place – Bryan “Lacy’s Husband” Buchorn 2:18:04

JV

1^st place – Tanya “Head Spleen” Espalin 46:00

2^nd place – Jason “Spleen” Espalin (dropped down from Varsity)

Grand Canyon R2R2R 2018

Joe and I just got back from a wonderful trip to the Grand Canyon with the Rockhoppers.  A bunch of us did the rim-to-rim-to-rim journey.  It was my second r2r2r, and Joe's first -- in fact, his first trip to the Grand Canyon, period.  I love the desert scenery of the canyon, and it was fun being on those trails again, and especially fun to get to share the adventure with Joe this time around.

Going into this run, I was only about 75-80% sure I'd be able to finish it -- it's a real challenge, and I haven't been feeling very fit lately.  Since my expectations about my ability level were pretty low going into it, I'm even more stoked about whole thing.

You can read Joe's report for more relevant (and probably more accurate) information. My report will mostly focus on the things I personally found entertaining.

Inauspicious Start: South Kaibab
The day got off to a rough start when our drivers pulled into the South Kaibab parking lot -- led by Rich, right past the "Do not enter" signs -- and we all got yelled at by the park ranger.  He commanded us to all get back in our cars and drive back to the road.

Here's a typical portrait of the differences between me and Joe:
My reaction: I got back in the car.
Joe's reaction: "Get your stuff, dude.  Get out of the car!"

Everyone scattered into the bushes, and we started down the trail.  It seemed like there were two or three other large groups starting at the same time as us.  It was crazy crowded for a couple miles, which was annoying.  It was very different from the last time we did r2r2r, in 2014, when we were the only crazies out there at 4am.

The number of people all around us made it hard to relieve ourselves, which was an urgent need.  This resulted in us having a version of Paul McCartney's song in our heads for most of the day: "Pee on the Run."

Possible verse:
"When you have to go, so you go in your clothes,
in front of everyone . . .
And you pee on the run"
(doo-doo-do-do-doo-do-do)

*Note: This verse is not representative of what actually happened.

Adventure-filled Middle: South Kaibab to North Kaibab
I accidentally left my poles by the water spigot at Phantom Ranch when we filled up there.  I didn't realize it until we'd left the area, and I didn't feel like backtracking.  I wrestled for a moment with the worry that they'd be in people's way, versus the relief at not having to carry them through the relatively flat stretch of the box canyon.  In the end, it worked out perfectly: I didn't have to carry them through the box canyon, and they were still there, exactly where I'd left them, when we returned to Phantom Ranch on the way back.  I had them just when I needed them, for the hike back up to the South Rim.

Random thoughts from this stretch:

Best comment from passerby:
"You could beat us going down.  But I could beat you in an arm wrestle."
-Mustachioed, cowboy-hat-wearing mule train driver to Joe

Most memorable conversation related to a tunnel:
"There's some shade!  We can rest!"
"That's Supai Tunnel."
"I'm gonna Supai the shit out of that tunnel."

Most-used phrase by Joe: Bony old Behind!



On our way up to the North Rim, we ran into MJ, who entertained us with her story about picking up hitchhikers on her drive to the rim.  She, along with Jeanie and numerous others, were Good Samaritans who helped a lot of people over the course of the trip.  It was nice getting to catch up with her, as she used to live in our neighborhood but has recently relocated to Colorado.

Joe and I topped out at the North Rim around 12:30pm.  I ate a good meal of a sandwich ball (in ball form because of its position at the bottom of Joe's bag), chips, and a big cookie.  We had fun catching up with the Rockhoppers who were already resting at the rim, and cheering for each new Rockhopper who arrived while we were there.

Friend-filled Finish: North Kaibab to Bright Angel
On our way down from the North Rim, at Coconino Overlook, a ranger named Beth asked me how far we were going.  When I responded that we were going back to the South Rim, she looked really sad for me and told me, "You don't have to do that."  Despite her concern, we forged ahead.

Somewhere around Supai Tunnel, Stefan and Edward decided to slow up and run with me and Joe.  Together, we waited out the three mule trains coming back up to the rim, dodged the enormous pools of mule piss, and trotted back down to Manzanita Springs.

Coming into the springs area, the wind picked up.  It was blowing my floppy hat right off my head, blowing my hair all crazy, and blowing dust into our mouths and noses.  But it was so fun.  The whole experience -- to be running with friends, out in this beautiful landscape, and sharing it all with my husband.

By the time we got to the springs, we were quite warm, so we took a dip in the springs as Joe helped filter and refill water bottles for some hikers that had only brought 16.9-ounce plastic water bottles into the canyon for some reason.

Other ways Joe was a super hero:

• He carried (and ran with) a full-size backpack for 50 miles.  In the backpack, he carried my sandwiches, as well as a full-size bag of chips.  
• He let me run and hike ahead and set the pace.  He never left me behind, even though he is much faster than I am.
• He filtered all our water throughout the hike, so I didn't have to bother with bringing my own filter.

Places we soaked in the cool water on our way back to the South Rim:

• Manzanita Springs
• Cottonwood
• Ribbon Falls (I soaked my head only)
• Phantom Ranch (where I got my trekking poles back -- a r2r2r miracle!)

Each of these water stops was refreshing, as even in the shade of the box canyon, it was quite warm.  The heat seemed trapped in the canyon, with no breeze.  In between, we mostly jogged.  Edward and Stefan would pull away, and then they'd sit and wait for us to catch up.  I was fueled by my SnackzelTM -- a conglomeration of melted chocolate-covered pretzels that had fused together into a log.  Brought to me by the makers of SnacklogTM, which was Edward's invention during Bigfoot 200.

I was eager to get to the Colorado River before dark, and we made it just in time.  I love watching the water roll past under my feet while walking across the silver bridge.  The glow of the setting sun on the mountain was pretty magical, too.

At the Colorado River, Edward and Stefan pulled well away from us.  Joe and I slogged through the sandy trail up and back down, and then up toward Indian Garden as darkness set.  It seemed to take forever before we made it there.  By that time, the stars were out, and they were incredibly brilliant.  We took advantage of some benches, refilled, saw Edward and Stefan take off, and then headed toward the next landmark, the 3-mile hut.

At the 3-mile hut, I wanted to sit and rest a moment, but Joe was raring to go.  "Let's get this shit over with."  So we continued power-walking to the 1.5-mile hut, where we saw Stefan recovering from a bonk.  This time Joe wanted to stay lying down, looking at the stars, but Stefan mentioned that the pizza place at the South Rim was open until 11pm, and it was only about 9:15pm, so I made Joe get up and get going.  Joe, Stefan, and I stayed together until the Bright Angel trailhead, where of course, Jeanie was waiting for us.  It was about 10pm; the hike/run had taken us 17 hours and change.  Jeanie stayed up all night greeting Rockhoppers as they finished, bringing us into her warm room, feeding us, and driving us back to our rooms.

Joe and I went straight to the pizza place.  We enjoyed trying to convince the people at the table next to us that we'd done a double crossing of the canyon.  They'd smile and nod, and then ask us again a couple minutes later, "So you went all the way to the river and back?"  After a bit, Rob and CJ joined us, and Rob took over the task of trying to explain to them the silly thing we'd done.

The real end of the story came the next day, around noon, as Rich, Don, and Janet finished, to the cheers of all the Rockhoppers who were gathered at the Bright Angel trailhead.  It was incredibly inspiring to see this group of 60+ years-young runners who had persevered through the heat of the canyon, the unending climbs to the rims, and a sleepless night to finish this monumental task.  I sincerely hope Joe and I can be as strong and full of life as we continue to age.

At the end of r2r2r, as soon as we finished, we agreed that we'd never do it again.  "Good job!  Now let's never speak of it again."

But never say never, right, Joe?

3rd Annual Whataburger Challenge -- Race Directors’ Recap

3rd Annual Whataburger Challenge

Race Directors’ Recap

The thunder was rumbling in San Antonio this Labor Day morning . . . or was that the sound
of competitors' stomachs anticipating revolt?

Twelve hungry competitors vied for the coveted title of Whataburger Challenge Champion
this year, to the delight of numerous spectators and photographers. Notably missing was
much-touted course-record-holder Brian "Banjo McNaturepants" Ricketts. Ricketts has
turned out to be a one-and-done eat & run challenger. Some critics have been overheard
wondering whether his first win wasn't a fluke, since he refuses to toe the line for a rematch.
He was seen at the final WB location today, driver there perhaps by fear of losing his CR.

Another noted absence was Matt "The Assassin" Smith. Although Smith vehemently
protested recent criticism that he is all talk and no walk, he "pretty much validated
everything you guys said" by failing to show up on race day, according to Chris Russell,
an objective source.

After a quick pre-race briefing by RD Joe Schmo, the gun went off at 8:12 and the gorging
began. The first racer out of his chair was John Denny, heretofore unknown by
Whataburger competitors -- a ringer brought in by The Sheriff to compete in his stead. By
his speed in putting away his #1 combo, though, he was clearly The Sheriff's superior,
thereby earning him the nickname "Chief." The other competitors soon followed down
Dezavala Road, highlighted by Sweet Chris and his usual harem of female supporters.

Eric, feelin' fine at WB1

Leaving the first WB location, Steffan lamented, “I’m already kind of full” -- a sentiment that unfortunately hinted at the poor showing he would have.  Meanwhile, Zmolek noted with confidence that this challenge was far from the most disgusting thing he’d ever done, having once eaten a stick of butter for $5.

Zmolek, not at all intimidated by all the Rockhoppers

For the third year in a row, Schmo was the first to arrive at WB2; but for the first year ever, he was also the first to finish the #2 combo and leave.  Joe T and first-time WB entrant Edgar Gonzalez arrived at WB2 together a few minutes behind Schmo, and ordered their food as Schmo started eating. It was here that the drama increased -- Charles S. (possibly irked by his 12-1 pre-race odds) was the 4th to order, but when the next tray of food came out, he claimed it ahead of Joe T and Edgar, at which point he hurriedly zipped outside to eat.  In his defense, he gave the WB employee his number as the food came out, but the employee still handed it off; nevertheless the nickname “Hamburglar” was born.

Hamburglar dining al fresco

Zmolek and Steffan both quit before finishing their 2nd meal, while Edgar, Tom, and Larry persevered through their 2nd meal only to DNF by not ordering a #3.  Although an admirable technique, Edgar’s trick of dunking his burger patties, buns, and fries in water, in a dip-dip-chew pattern did not ultimately help his race as he got lost on the way to the third WB.  Even WBC veteran Tom “Wrong Way” Bowling added a bonus mile due to a wrong turn on the way to WB3 (although in light of his longstanding nickname, we suppose that isn’t so surprising).

Chris R trying to pawn off some of his fries to Chris P at WB2

On the run to the 3rd WB location, Joe T was practically flying.  He passed John and Charles, and was gunning for Schmo, fueled entirely by hamburger grease and raw fury over his mistreatment at WB2.  

Schmo, although not moving quite as well as before, arrived several minutes ahead of the
others at the third restaurant and ordered the #3 combo (triple patties) that has plagued him
so severely in years past.

Joe T arrived second.  After ordering, he remained at the counter, hovering there to ensure
that he (and only he) would get his order as soon as possible.  When he finally took his seat,
he carefully chose the exact seat that had been graced by his meat sweats on this day two
years ago.

Joe T ordering at WB3

The meat sweats

Joe T bore down immediately while Schmo hit the wall (as usual) halfway into his burger and slowed significantly.  Demonstrating the same awe-inspiring greatness of Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Michael Phelps, Joe “Jose Mañana” Tammaro became the 3rd annual Whataburger Challenge champion with a time of 1:56!  Upon finishing, he immediately power-walked outside to puke (in front of several delighted spectators) and came back refreshed, grinning from ear to ear.

Without pain, there is no joy

Sometime while the two Joes were battling it out, the Chief arrived and started eating his #3.  He was starting to regret how quickly he’d eaten his first two meals, and his underling, the Sheriff, was protesting how many fries the WB employees had heaped on John’s tray -- no doubt thinking they were doing him a favor with their generosity. Although he looked almost as miserable as Schmo early on, even stating “I don’t think I can finish it,” at some point he got a second wind and toughed it out to finish his meal in a time of 2:25.

Chris P encouraging the Chief to press on at WB3

The Chief, taking care of bidness

Meanwhile, Charles visited the restroom for a routine evacuation, only to be overwhelmed by the terrible smell and spontaneously lose all the food he’d so carefully piled into his stomach.  Not wanting to order a penalty Patty Melt, he called it a day.

Don Flynn, listening to Jock Rock vol. 2 for motivation (we presume)

Schmo kept plugging away, determined to slay his past WB3 demons, and finished less than 10 minutes before the 11am cutoff in 2:39 -- the slowest recorded finishing time to date.

Schmo giving a speech and wiping away tears before consuming his last fry

Schmo would be the last finisher, but ageless eater (well ok, he’s age 63) Bleeding Don Flynn again destroyed most of the younger competitors, earning a 4th place finish based on the weight of uneaten contents.

The podium

Applause for the champion

Whataburger love

Results

Place	Runner	Time/Food Remaining
1	Joe “Jose Mañana” Tamarro	1:56
2	John “Chief” Denny	2:25
3	Joe “Schmo” Schmal	2:39
4	“Bleeding” Don Flynn	0.686 lbs remaining of #3
5	Eric “Game Time Decision” Lamkin	0.818 lbs remaining of #3
6	“Sweet” Chris Russell	0.875 lbs remaining of #3
7	Charles “Hamburglar” Steinkuehler	Puked at WB #3
8	Edgar “We Run” Gonzalez	DNF after WB #2
9	Tom “Wrong Way” Bowling	DNF after WB #2
10	Larry “Ocean” Kocian	DNF after WB #2
11	Matt “Put the Wet Stuff on the Red Stuff” Zmolek	0.115 lbs remaining of #2
12	“The” Steffan Andersland	0.675 lbs remaining of #2