Official Race Recap: 2019 Whataburger Challenge

WBC4: Greatness Redefined

The 4th Annual Whataburger Challenge is in the books, with history-making performances achieved!

With only 6 competitors this year, it was the first time that the WBC had more spectators than athletes, much like you’d see in any professional sporting event such as the Super Bowl, NBA finals, etc.  All but one of the six were return competitors; the one-and-done folks that couldn't face up to the extreme nature of the race have been winnowed away, and only the hardiest of the hardy, the elite of the elite, remain.


Some top storylines this year:

• Matt "The Assassin" Smith, fresh off his wins in the 2019 Rockhopper Beer Mile and the 2019 Ice Cream Challenge, had the first ever attempt at the Triple Crown lined up with a win here.

• Mike "The Ringer" Ruhlin, winner of the Taco Cabana Challenge, as well as WBC2 in 2017, was trying to become the first-ever 2-time WBC champ.

• Chris "Cactus Kid" Russell was purely driven by the desire to stop The Assassin from winning the Triple Crown, and would have to do so without his usual harem of followers.

Franz The Vegetarian and Matt The Assassin (PC: Jess Winnett)

At 9:07 sharp, the gun went off and the gorging began.  Chris was done with his #1 in under 3 minutes and took off, with Joe "Schmo" and The Assassin right behind him.  Those three were followed shortly after by Mike, then Franz, and finally Wimpy Rich.

Matt went directly into Assassin mode, screaming down DeZavala at 6-minute pace, leaving the other competitors so far back they could no longer see him after a couple miles.  This aggressive gamble, typically ill-advised, paid off for Matt as the second restaurant was not ready for the volume of WBC orders.  This second store always seems to be the wildcard!  While Schmo and Franz (Franz was competing in the first-ever Vegetarian division) arrived 3-5 minutes later, their orders were more like 10 minutes behind Matt's.  "Sweet" Chris was heard to say that Denny's service was faster, and that he hoped Matt choked on that third burger.  One must wonder if any collusion took place with store employees.

Matt finishes up #2 while everyone else waits

Matt departed the second store before anyone else even received their #2 combo!  Legitimate worry began to permeate the dining room.  Mike "The Ringer," despite arriving 5th, was the second to leave, albeit 16 minutes behind Matt.  A minute later, Schmo and Franz finished and took off, very slowly, after the leaders.  Blaine Adams, one of the spectators, seeing pools of sweat forming, foolishly offered Chris a towel from his vehicle - Chris sat on it while dining and once complete with his #2, gave it back to the regretful Blaine.

Chris at WB #2, with Mike Ruhlin in the background

The heat took its toll on Rich, and he was the race's first casualty, a DNF partway through his #2 combo; but true to his persevering nature, he still managed to run all the way to the third restaurant with his partially-eaten burger for the weigh-in.

The Assassin arrived light years ahead of the others, but the tide had turned.  As Franz and Schmo finally arrived, both having been reduced to a pathetic walk/jog during the run, they saw Matt's entire #3 combo just sitting there, untouched.  Brian "Banjo McNaturepants" Ricketts, winner of WBC1 like a million years ago, was texting fellow WBC1 finisher (but WBC 4 spectator) Tom "Bro-ling" Bowling to get updates - he asked how Matt was doing.  The response: "Scott Rabb-like," referring to Rabbers' (also a WBC4 spectator) WBC1 performance in which he could only stare at the tray of food.

Paralyzed.  A familiar scene at WB #3 (this was also the 3rd different shirt Matt wore?)

Mike The Ringer arrived a couple minutes after Schmo, and the race's fate was set.  At 2:07, the 4th-fastest time in WBC history, Mike became the competition's only 2-time champion!  Greatness.

 Victory!  Again.

The prize he chose for 1st?  A Rockhopper hat (take that TrailZen)!

Schmo, having previously decided not to even order the #3, changed his mind when he saw the opportunity for his best finish, place-wise.  He ate all the fries, slowly, and stopped with the 3/4 pounds of burger remaining, to grab 2nd place.

Then things got interesting.  Chris had made the same decision as Schmo, but saw the opportunity to complete his mission of taking down the Assassin, as Matt bowed out already.  Chris made it through half his fries to grab the final podium spot, just ahead of Matt, who took 4th.

The podium (L to R: Schmo, The Ringer, Cactus Kid)

Franz made it through the veggie version of the #1 and #2 meals - a disgusting pile of fried hashbrown sticks in a standard Whataburger bun - and definitely deserved first-place vegetarian honors, even though he was the only competitor in the division.

Franz selected Spicy Ketchup for his Veggie feat

Finally, the coveted DFL (and WB Ketchup bottle) went to WBC2 podium finisher Rich, who showed up for his 2nd WBC event, joining a short list of elite competitors to ever attempt this race more than once.

Rich with his #2 bag of deliciousness

A note for those considering a WBC5 entry: you can do this - be sure to train throughout the next year, so you may too have your name forever inscribed in Whataburger lore.

Final Results:

1st - Mike "The Ringer" Ruhlin - 2:07

2nd - Joe "Schmo" Schmal - 0.74 pounds remaining of #3

3rd - Chris "Cactus Kid" Russell - 1.13 pounds remaining of #3

4th - Matt "The Assassin" Smith - 1.16 pounds remaining of #3

DFL - "Wimpy" Rich Mihalik - 0.93 pounds remaining of #2

1st Vegetarian - Franz "The Vegetarian?" Konczak - DNF before #3

Historical (four-year) DNF rate: 78%

2019 Ice Cream Challenge Race Recap

Ice Cream Challenge 2019

Race Recap

The second annual Ice Cream Challenge dawned bleak and humid.  To the surprise of everyone, Matt “The Assassin” Smith was the first to arrive at the starting line.  He even brought his own spoon, for some reason.  The other competitors trickled in prior to the 10:00am race start . . . except for the Spleens, who maintain their own schedule. 

In a repeat from last year, “Sweet” Chris had his entire Chipwich in his mouth immediately after the starting gun.  Fellow competitors and spectators looked on in awe, having only taken a bite of their own Chipwiches, as Chris took off on his first lap.  Tom was next to leave, followed by Mike “The Ringer,” Matt and Jason, and the rest.

It quickly became obvious that Matt would dominate the race the entire way.  He was first to arrive at the start/finish, with a 10:40 loop one (1.7 miles).  Next in was Blaine “Grizzly” Adams, followed by “The” Steffan, who also made up time on the run.  As the competitors ate their second novelty treat, a Klondike Bar, Steffan made the first of many complaints that his “teef hurt.”

The third novelty treat was a Drumstick.  By this lap, it was already a race for second, as Matt arrived in 22:40, and took off for his third loop in less than 3 minutes, long before another competitor was even in sight.  Second place at this point was Blaine, followed by Joe, then Tom, with Chris hot on his heels.

The first to finish was Tanya, the smartest one of the group, having signed up for JV, which ended after three loops.  When asked why she didn’t upgrade to Varsity, she responded with a litany of reasons, each of which were very good, such as having just completed Miwok 100k two weeks ago.  However, she was miffed upon hearing that Jason (who also did Miwok) was dropping down to JV as well, calling his decision “ridiculous.”  Unfortunately, since he dropped mid-race, this earned him a DNF. 

Runners slowed down in the fourth and fifth loops – Snickers and Popsicle.  That is, except for Matt, who proclaimed, “The ice cream still tastes good” while eating his Snickers treat, and took off just as fast as ever.  While Chris’s running had slowed down (he was heard to complain that “This course has too much running”), he was just as fast in eating as he was at the start of the race.  Steffan captured the overwhelming feeling of the spectators with his one comment about Chris’s instantaneous consumption of his Snickers bar: “Oh shit!” 

Around this time, Matt came in for his final challenge: the lap 6 pint of ice cream.  He had the easy confidence of a winner, remarking, “This [pint] is going down easier than I thought.”  It was around this time, too, that he declared his decision to take on the Triple Crown: having won the beer mile and now the ice cream challenge, he was now throwing his hat into the Whataburger Challenge ring well in advance.  Taking off on his last loop, he would ultimately lap every competitor except for Tom, and finish with a new course record of 1:18:26, decimating last year’s CR of 1:37.  His victory speech: “This is the biggest day of my life.”

As runners ate their 5^th treat, a Popsicle, they were asked for their pint flavor request, as there was only one of each flavor.  Chris asked for mint chocolate chip and then took off on his 5^th lap.  Steffan was then asked for his flavor.  He also asked for mint chocolate chip.  When told that he’d have to beat Chris back in order to nab this flavor, Steffan got a determined look in his eye, and proceeded to outrun Chris by a good margin.  He had already started into his minty ice cream when Chris arrived and was told, to his chagrin, that mint was taken.  With an intensity driven by resentment, Chris plowed through his pint of chocolate chip and took off for his final lap before Steffan was halfway done with his.  On the way out, Chris muttered to Steffan, “That’s for eating my mint.”

Daniel handing Steffan his mint ice cream. The smile wouldn't last.

Despite arriving second after loop 5, Schmo left in fourth place after eating the pint, with Tom and Blaine severely outperforming his ice cream intake.  Tom would maintain his lead for 2^nd place, but Schmo passed Blaine during loop 6 to take 3^rd.  Blaine had the honor of “Biggest Bonk” for the race, slowing down to a crawl at the end.  He professed that “The sugar doesn’t bother me.  I’m just tired from running.”  As Tom finished, he noted, “5 minutes faster than last year.  That was my ‘A’ game.”  His wife Michele could be seen beaming with pride near the finish line.

                                

Poor Chris was having a bad day in general.  He complained about his legs hurting, being undertrained, not getting his preferred ice cream flavor.  And yet, he was happy with his finish, since he beat his arch nemesis Steffan.  His first words after crossing the finish line were, “Well, I beat Steffan.  That’s all that matters.”

Mike came in next, for 7^th place.  At one point during the race he lamented that he really has not been running lately.  Unfortunately, there was 10 miles of running, and Mike was not able to get redemption from last year’s 4th-place finish.  Bryan “Lacy’s Husband” finished despite a pounding headache, which he attributed to eating so much dairy, and earned the coveted DFL.

Bryan fought hard all day

Next in the eat-and-run series will be the 4^th annual Whataburger Challenge, on Labor Day.  Stay tuned to see whether Matt can pull off the unprecedented Triple Crown.

The podium

Results

Varsity

1^st place – Matt “The Assassin” Smith 1:18:26 (Course Record)

2^nd place – Tom “Bro-Ling” Bowling 1:32:01

3^rd place – Joe “Schmo” Schmal 1:33:23

4^th place – Blaine “Grizzly” Adams 1:34:36

5^th place – “Sweet” Chris Russell 1:44:22

6^th place – “The” Steffan Andersland 1:50:00

7^th place – Mike “The Ringer” Ruhlin 1:59:30

8^th place – Bryan “Lacy’s Husband” Buchorn 2:18:04

JV

1^st place – Tanya “Head Spleen” Espalin 46:00

2^nd place – Jason “Spleen” Espalin (dropped down from Varsity)